The episode opens with BoJack at a bar overhearing a girl laugh behind his back. Princess Carolyn calls to remind BoJack about his first memoir writing session with his ghostwriter Diane the following morning. As the call ends, BoJack notices the girl at the bar now has friends over and are laughing and taking pictures at his expense. Before BoJack leaves the bar, he turns and berates the girl and her friends for ruining his night, reminding them that their actions have consequences and that being ignorant about being a horrible person does not make them less of a horrible person. He ends up sleeping with the girl regardless.
The next morning, BoJack is surprised to see Diane at his house, having forgotten about his memoir writing session. He is annoyed by the presence of Todd, Mr. Peanutbutter, and the girl from the bar, and leaves the house to get breakfast. At the supermarket, BoJack meets Neal McBeal when he discovers a box of muffins in the produce section, and is asked by Neal to return it to him since he had to go to the bathroom and called "dibs" on this last box of muffins. Out of amusement and spite, BoJack refuses to return the muffins to Neal (summarily being a hypocrite to his own advice the night before), and takes the muffins to checkout before Neal has a chance to argue further.
BoJack returns to his house and begins his session with Diane. He has flashbacks to his abusive childhood when Diane asks about his youth, and tells a skeptical Diane he lived a normal life. Their session is interrupted when Princess Carolyn calls to tell BoJack he is on the news, and they discover that Neal McBeal has gone to the news network MSNBSea to tell about BoJack's behavior earlier in the morning: denying Neal his favorite muffins after coming home from his service with the Navy SEALs in Afghanistan. BoJack compounds the problem by calling into the news network to argue with Neal live. He eventually enters a video interview from home to continue arguing with Neal live on the news station, and is misconstrued when he suggests not all of America's troops are heroes, and that some of them might be jerks.
The following media frenzy starts to affect BoJack, who wants everything to end. Mr. Peanutbutter then suggests BoJack apologize to Neal on his reality TV show, and sets the two to meet in his house. BoJack does well at first, but starts to get heated when he points out the nation's hypocritical treatment of politics and the military. He is cut off by Mr. Peanutbutter's antics before he can finish his rant.
BoJack finds Diane alone on the roof and complains about how no one wants to hear the truth. Diane argues she does, but points out that BoJack is unable to even tell the truth with his inability to open up about his life for the memoir. BoJack concedes, and agrees he will tell her the "full truth" for the memoir.
|Will Arnett||...||BoJack Horseman / Butterscotch Horseman|
|Amy Sedaris||...||Princess Carolyn|
|Alison Brie||...||Diane Nguyen|
|Paul F. Tompkins||...||Mr. Peanutbutter|
|Aaron Paul||...||Todd Chavez|
|Wendie Malick||...||Beatrice Horseman|
|Keith Olbermann||...||Tom Jumbo-Grumbo|
|Patton Oswalt||...||Neal McBeal|
MSNBSea's news ticker has the following headlines:
- Man bites dog; dog sues man.
- Cute child does things on internet.
- Scientists discover water on ocean floor.
- UN declares war good for absolutely nothing, says it again now. (A reference to the song "War" by Edwin Starr.)
- Orange juice discovered to have several orange properties.
- AIDS still a thing.
- I wanted to write novels, you know.
- US Government grants amnesty to millionaires.
- Happy birthday to Enid Smith, America's oldest woman!
- New Yorker goes to Italy, complains about pizza.
- Condolences to the family of Enid Smith, America's former oldest woman!
- Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner- gentrification? (A reference to the song "Milk Milk Lemonade" by Amy Schumer.)
- BoJack: Excuse me. [walks to two girls and a chicken girl] I just wanted you to know that you ruined someone else's night tonight. And I hope you have enough decency to at least feel a little bit crappy about it.
- Girl: Excuse me?
- BoJack: I was actually already in a bad mood but I thought maybe for one night, I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself. But now because of you and your friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever.
- Girl: If we were bothering you so much, why didn't you just leave?
- BoJack: Because I didn't think of that and now I feel stupid!
- Girl: Look, I have a right to be here—
- BoJack: NO!! [the chicken girl lays an egg] Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things! But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you! And you are a horrible person! And you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person.
- Girl: [beat] You think I'm pretty?
- Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: [live on MSNBSea] Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.
- Neal McBeal: Thank you, Tom.
- BoJack: Hey! I met this guy!
- Tom: All Neal wanted when he got home, and I emphasize—from Afghanistan—was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. But when he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box... Well, tell us what happened, Neal.
- Neal: BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs.
- Tom: Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman?! Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party?
- BoJack: Oh, not the sneezing pic— Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!
- Tom: In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke indeed. And you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer—for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL. [blows out water]
- Todd: Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL?
- BoJack: I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL! I just thought he was a regular kind of seal.
- Neal: This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack! Now I'm on TV! So now I'm better than everybody!
- Tom: That's right, Neal!
- BoJack: You didn't even have dibs! You stupid sea cow!
- Tom: Hold on. Just to clarify: since this morning, you've eaten all the muffins?
- BoJack: Yes, I ate all the muffins, because I have no self-control and I hate myself.
- Neal: I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, and this is the thanks I get?
- BoJack: Really? You, specifically, made America safer?
- Tom: Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the troops are heroes.
- BoJack: I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes, but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.
- Tom: What? Did you just say that the troops are jerks?
- BoJack: ...Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?
- Princess Carolyn: BoJack, I'm gonna level with you, honey. This whole you-hating-the-troops thing is not great.
- BoJack: I don't hate the troops, I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, I just think he's wrong about the muffins.
- Neal: Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero.
- BoJack: You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one.
- Neal: Great.
- BoJack: And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.